Out the Window! and other random tales of Redwall
by dobbyfan18
Summary: Campbells: mmmm, good. This story: random goodness. No Cale feet allowed, even if you have dandruff. As you might can tell, this is just a series of random oneshots. This is my first Redwall fic, so please R&R.
1. When paintballs attack!

Young Broggle was bored... and so was the authoress. DUNDUNDUN!!!!

Broggle decided to intimidate stoats with a dish towel. Therefore, he walked over to Antigra (who was conveniently standing nearby) and said, Encore! Encore! He had never been in a stoatfight before, so he didn't know what to say.

Since Broggle had requested another performance, Antigra started jumping around, licking bowls and making chicken noises. Then all of a sudden she stopped, fell over, and said, Look, there goes Bill, he's getting away!!!!

So a random crowd of warriors cornered Bill. But then Bill yelled, Look, a quarter rest! said TJ wildly, looking around.

Over there! shouted Bill.

TJ ran off in pursuit of quarter rests, and then while the warriors were distracted, Bill ran off again.

AAAAAAAAHH, my hat! shrieked Antigra, doing the Macarena. Mattimeo hit her on the head with a fire extinguisher. A nearby penguin said, Woof woof! Go warsh the roof! said all the warriors and Broggle.

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Disclaimer: All Redwall characters belong to Brian Jacques. TJ belongs to TJ. I own Bill, though. LOL. Oh yeah, I own all the strangeness, too. 

A/N: Well, this was my first Redwall fanfic so please tell me what you think. I guess I'm used to lots of POTENTIAL readers even if I don't get many reviews from HP fandom... so if you want Redwall to seem like an fandom and not some little series (LOL) REVIEW!!! If I get the feeling this is kind of popular (or even if it's not) I plan on adding more little random one-shots.


	2. Bob goes to KFC

On the dull, gray Tuesday our story begins, Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work. Medar stood nearby, being confused because a small band of bamboo shoots were attacking him.  
Oops, wrong story.  
On the exciting, neon purple Friday our story begins, Old Hoarg sang ÒWho KnowsÓ by Avril Lavigne as he picked out his least boring habit for work. Hmm... should he wear the lime green one with a pattern of skilly and duff around the hems? Or the stripey one with an occasional silkscreened haddock on it? Or perhaps... sorry, enough about Old HoargÕs odd wardrobe.  
Up on the wallsteps reindeer pause... Out jumps good old Santa Claus! Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the DibbunsÕ Feast Day joys!  
Fwirl and Broggle sat watching this strange phenomenon, entranced, until they noticed that a random kangaroo was plundering the orchard. They ran down and accosted the kangaroo.  
ÒOh, sorry, I didnÕt know this was your orchard. I just thought it was, you know, a large group of fruit trees that were handily grouped together inside some walls that had creatures living there. Know what I mean?Ó ÒOh yes, I see,Ó Fwirl nodded understandingly. ÒIt wasnÕt your fault, youÕre free to go.Ó The quesadilla skated happily off. The cow jumped over the moon, being careful not to knock Neil Armstrong unconscious, and they all lived happily ever after. Especially the people who owned stock in Menards, because it was doing a lot better now that the bunnies had taken it over. (Now the hares are considering imitating their distant cousins and taking over Home Depot.)

¤¤¤ Yep, just another random little one-shot. Please review! 


	3. Power to the gophers!

It was the Fourth of July, and Swartt Sixclaw was dancing.

Bo urr, whoi be you'm darncin', zurr vurrmin? asked a random mole.

I say, you molechap, do you like my bally hat, wot? said a random hare whose name was Phil.

They all watched the pretty fireworks, which whirled and twirled in midair.

How poetic, said Bobo the Clown.

Poetic? I'll show you poetic! screamed Sirius Black insanely, hitting Bobo the Clown with a frying pan.

Bobo looked miffed and hit Sirius with a fish.

AJ Rerucha fried the fish. 

The fish, which apparently didn't appreciate being fried, jumped out of the pan and growled at AJ, who ran away.

Now on to our feature presentation! Or not. So anyway, Swartt and Jack Gangwish formed a club and scared people with their dancing. But then the fuzzy marshmallow badgers got annoyed, so they hit Swartt and Jack and some random cucumbers with their Australian sledgehammers. Jack keeled over and they tied him to a boat. The boat danced, like my internet connection! Then Addie bought life insurance and Footless Person ate breadsticks. 

No-one wanted to dance with Chelsea, because they were all busy playing Railroad Tycoon. Therefore, Phil the random hare hit their computers with his hat. His hat burst into cheers, and Sammie made it eat some chalk. Then the angry tribes of flatulent bumblebees went to New Mexico and clipped Abbot Bernard to some papers with a hairclip.

Why is the sky orange? Ungatt Trunn wanted to know. Then he walked to where the sidewalk ends and fell over into the abyss, where he found AJ still running from the fish. The authoress made AJ dance with Chelsea, but then he made the authoress dance with Footless Person, so she made him watch Napoleon Dynamite sixteen times.

The moral of this story: Never let Swartt Sixclaw dance on the Fourth of July, because you might end up addicted to tater tots.

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Disclaimer: Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques. Sirius belongs to J.K. Rowling. Where the Sidewalk Ends belongs to Shel Silverstein. Napoleon Dynamite belongs to whoever created him. The idea of AJ running away from a fish belongs to me. The stupid idea of me dancing with Footless Person belongs to AJ and his deranged mind. The Peace Dance and all events there belong to the people at Peace Lutheran Church.

This chapter is dedicated to Beezlee, because they gave me the idea about the bumblebees and badgers!


	4. The allpowerful grilled cheese

I am NOT obsessed with socks, Mr. Crabbypants! followed by evil laughter.

And so the United States government began.

But then Wal-Mart ran away to join the Ostrich Rights Activists of America Club, so we all threw our baseball caps at the peanut stand. Max fell into a volcano, but he didn't die, because if he died then Megan would never tapdance again. Bird rib is a palindrome.

Now, because this has to have something to do with Redwall, Columbine was wandering around Mossflower being Columbine-ish. Thus, she was dancing the hula to get rid of her headache.

The grills are alive with the sound of tapdancing! she sang forcefully. A nearby drummer fell out of a tree.

DON'T EAT ME! he screamed before running away.

And that was Ryan's cameo. Now if you look to your left, you'll see a lovely rock. It's very rocky. If you die, I'm never speaking to you again!

So hmph.

In other news, Grover Cleveland is still wearing a bowtie. Now back to you, Dan!

I mean, now back to where Columbine was still thinking about... Blaise Zabini? Um, well, okay then, I guess it's time for a crossover.

Not-very-suddenly, because I just announced it, Blaise Zabini walked out of the forest into the clearing Columbine was in, said something about Band-Aids, and handed her a strawberry tart.

exclaimed Columbine, managing to look awed and cliched at the same time. Thanks, Strawberry Tart Man!Anytime, fair maiden. Blaise Zabini is always here to save the day... I mean, hand out pastries! You know, that sounds a lot less dramatic... he muttered. He then attempted to fly off into the sunset and make a cool-looking silhouette, but only managed to look a bit foolish.

Fine. Stupid umbrella mechanism.

Columbine watched as Blaise Zabini, aka The Amazing Strawberry Tart Man, left on foot.

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More randomness! YAY! Well, that concludes today's episode of Why Toads Should Always Wear Helmets. Thanks for watching!

Disclaimer: I own some Scotch tape.

Also... the authoress would like to take this opportunity to announce that...

**HURLEY IS HURLEYFUL!**

Please review.


	5. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Pizza

Martin the Warrior was lost in space. For lack of anything better to do, he did gymnastics.

ìMr. Cole, I canít play this part!î proclaimed Hannah. Mr. Cole blew a raspberry and did two backflips as Dandin made pancakes.

ìWheeeeeee,î cried Jack Jeffries, jumping over a candlestick.

ìJack, Jack, Adam!î said Daffy Duck, who was inexplicably wearing a nametag that said he was a retired trucker by the name of Billy Joel.

Then a nearby boulder realized that it was in fact November, and that it needed to go wake up Green Day because September had ended some time ago.

ìAnd the jester sang for the king and queen in a coat he borrowed from James Dean,î sang Miss America, who was actually Luke Hieb in disguise, despite the fact that according to Kandi, he ought to have died of pneumonia a week ago this Sunday.

The authoress decided to go outside. So she went outside, decided it was cold, and came back inside.

Saddam Hussein was suddenly attacked by a tribe of Smurfs as Carsten Bosselman looked on in some amusement except that he was wearing ridiculous sunglasses that did nothing to make him look like a tour guide. No one really knew why he had decided to become a tour guide anyway, though, so they just poked Francisco in the eye, much to Franciscoís displeasure. (ìHey! I am displeasured!î said Francisco obviously.)

The Redwallers then randomly discovered that their cheese cellar had been raided by Garfield.

ìBWAHAHAHAHA!î laughed Garfield evilly as he ran off with several large wheels of cheese.

Protesters (protesters who were big fans of Douglas Adams to be exact) in front of the White House chanted,

ìI teleported home one day  
With Ron and Sid and Meg.  
Ron stole Meggieís heart away  
And I got Sidneyís leg.î

A disgruntled yak approached from a distance so as to not be attacked by the Secret Guild of Janitors.

The authoressís mum prodded an airline attendant with a cattle prod, causing an awkward silence.

ìSilence!î barked the judge redundantly.

Eric yodeled.

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Me no own, you no sue.

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Wheeeee, another update! I seriously just decided to write this today, no prior planning whatsoever. I AM working on some of my other fics...well...mental preparation counts, doesnít it? Heheh... Anyway, the entirety of this was written while listening to ìAmerican Pie,î so kudos to Don McLean!

PLEASE REVIEW!


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